Even Deeper
by Palexiot
Summary: Paige's life isn't nearly what people think it is. Just when she thinks it's as low as it gets, some unexpected news shatters what calm she feels. This will be Palex eventually. But it's gonna be a hell of a ride getting there.
1. Wish I Felt Something

**This fic is considerably darker than my usual. It will only get darker as it progresses. Mature themes and language and possibly a few Adults only chapters in the future. You've been warned.**

**Title of story and chapter from Nine Inch Nails. Lyrics from NIN: Even Deeper.**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing.**

_I woke up today_

_to find myself in the other place_

_with a trail of footprints_

_from where I ran away_

_it seems everything I've heard_

_just might be true_

_and you know me_

_(well you think you do)_

_sometimes, I have everything - yet I wish I felt something_

She was poised on the edge of her mattress, her cell phone clutched tightly in her hand. The rain outside fell in a staccato rhythm that tore through her already aching head. She squeezed her eyes shut and gripped the phone tighter trying to forget the whining memory that woke her so early this morning.

With a sigh she rose from the bed and took in her surroundings. Sparsely decorated bedroom, a bed with the slightly frayed duvet, a dresser that bore scars reminiscent of a bar fight and a long abandoned desk, piled with paperwork she would never see the end of.

She padded quietly out of her room and over to the bathroom. She reached up and turned on the light and closed the door firmly, yet silently behind her. The effort to be quiet was not out of consideration for anyone else; she lived by herself now. But too much noise would echo through the tiny apartment and disturb the tentative peace she had made with the ghosts of time.

As it did every morning, her stomach lurched and she leaned over the toilet, coughing and spitting. Dislodging the bitter acid from the back of her throat. As always, it burned and tore at her already raw throat making her almost wish she had something on her stomach to make this worth the effort.

Food, however, would only supplement the agony. Would only cause her to fall to the cold tile on her knees as she heaved and struggled for breath and then her chest would tighten and the muscles in her abdomen would begin that familiar ache and she would be left nearly crippled from the pain for the rest of the day. Besides, she'd learned long ago she only had about a six hour window of opportunity in which she could be safe consuming anything solid.

She leaned back up and turned to face the cracked mirror over the sink. The lone lightbulb hanging from the ceiling doing very little to chase away the darkness. It swung gently back and forth, casting her in shadows one moment and illuminating her face a second later. Standing there, watching herself, she felt that familiar sadness that crept in on her. It was a deep, bone deep sadness that didn't call forth shuddering sobs and wails, no, it brought out tears that fell like the rain outside and dripped from her lashes in a way that sapped her of even enough energy to wipe them away.

Stripping off her night clothes she walked over to the shower and climbed inside the dingy cubicle she turned on the tap not bothering to wait for the water to heat up to its usual tepid drizzle. The cold water sluiced down her body causing her to shiver and her breath to catch in her throat. As she scrubbed herself, trying to get clean for a job that made her feel dirty anyway, her lungs began to ache. Rinsing away the soapy residue she turned off the water and climbed out of the tub. A raspy towel dried her body and she dropped it at her feet. As she walked out of the bathroom she could feel places in the linoleum sag beneath her weight, the support underneath a forgotten memory.

She walked back to her room and over to the closet. The louver doors already opened partway. Pushing them open farther she was greeted with her wardrobe. The colours and fabrics that belied everything about her life. The cloth masks she wore to shield herself daily, the props that helped her to play the part that much more convincingly.

Dior, Chanel, Prada, Donatella Versace, Nampijja and the rest. Once spoken with the intimacy of old friends, now looked upon like mooching relatives. She stood a moment to decide which overpriced costume to wear. Reaching up she pulled down a classic black pants suit.

"_When in doubt, go with Armani."_ She thought idly to herself.

She pulled it on carelessly and moaned quietly when she saw how it sagged through the shoulders and hung too loosely off her hips. Stripping quickly she pulled down another she had recently acquired. It was dove grey, light wool and was bought on a whim. She never really thought she would wear it, assuming that it was far too small for her. But now it fit as though it was custom made for her. She grimaced as she took in what it meant. She had lost weight again. This was not something she was consciously seeking to do, just a byproduct of the ulcer she had developed that made eating nothing short of a chore.

But it was something that had made her the envy of the office hags. The courtiers to Stella Mirza, had all once shunned the young protegé but now they gaped at her in awe. Apparently a few pounds here and there _ can _ really make or break you in the fashion industry. Each time she stepped off the elevator wearing something thinner, sleeker; more captivating they began to salivate.

Many had come to her for her dieting tips. She had merely looked at them and smirked in her way as she walked off trying not to acknowledge the disturbing trend that was going on around her. These girls starving themselves to keep up with a weight loss regime she wasn't even on by choice. Really, she wanted to tell those girls, "If you want to be as thin as I am go work directly for Stella. Oh yes, did I mention you'll have Andrea dogging your every move?"

As she had moved up in the company so had her former boss. Now they were closer to equals but on occasion Andrea would bark an order and she would follow it accordingly.

Her outfit adjusted, her hair styled all that was left was her makeup which she applied carefully, but with little care for the process anymore. It had been years since she actually gave a damn what she looked like. Now she just went along with the dog and pony show and acted the part of grateful recipient when she was given praise.

Now dressed for another day she looked into the mirror above her dresser. She had covered the dark circles under her eyes, had masked the premature lines at the side of her mouth and had added more volume to her lack luster hair. She was just missing one last thing. Slowly, it crept over her. Like a cloud sliding over the sun, her smile stole across her features. Over the years it had grown less happy and more jaded. Less sincere and more ironic, less pleasant and more plastic. If anyone she knew could see her in these moments they would either be ashamed of her or fear for her sanity.

Too late for that now, she was already so far gone there was nothing that could bring her back.

TBC...


	2. Give and Take

**Considerably lengthier and a bit less dark than the last chapter, but it fills in a smidgeon of information.**

**Chapter 2: Give and Take**

_Don't Breathe Too Deep_

_Don't Think All Day_

_Dive Into Work_

_Drive The Other Way_

_That Drip Of Hurt_

_That Pint Of Shame_

_Goes Away_

_Just Play The Game_

_ Rent: What You Own_

Shuffling outside with an umbrella protecting her head she left the apartment building and headed for her car. She turned with a melancholy expression as she regarded her home. Something that was dilapidated yet was the only thing she held with any reverence anymore. It was her home, her sanctuary, her museum to a life long past; her mausoleum.

Turning back to the parking lot she felt a sigh settling in her chest. The inhalation too large and heavy to expel. A brief hiccup and the tightening began again in her chest.

_'Already?' _She thought desperately as she pressed the pole of the umbrella against her forehead and squeezed her eyes shut.

Clenching her jaw so hard it ached she stood in silence for a moment letting her body calm down. These attacks were so frequent now that it took little effort anymore to push them to the back of her mind. Once she was steady again she walked over to her car pulling her keys out of her pocket as she went.

There it was, the same hideous colour that tried desperately to ensconce itself in the grey family. Yet all it could muster was the sickly palour of a fungus growing in a damp cellar. The same car she had had since her Banting days, in which she learned just what a glorious failure she could really be.

She unlocked the door, though why she even bothered locking it in the first place was a mystery to her. Even if some poor fool was mentally incapacitated enough to think it was worth stealing, they probably would never get it started. It was always evidence that Divine Intervention actually existed when she managed to get it to start.

Getting in she settled herself behind the wheel and inserted the key. Apparently God was elsewhere performing miracles at that moment, perhaps in Ecuador imprinting the image of the Virgin Mary on a tortilla or something, because she was greeted with the all too familiar 'click' that signaled her engine's refusal to turn over.

It was like a snoring spouse that you tried to roll over to get them to stop and upon failing to move them you smothered them with a pillow instead. Only it appeared her car had already gasped its last breath long ago.

She slammed her head against the steering wheel and just slumped in her seat a moment, trying vainly to get the throbbing in her temples to cease. She could feel the attack that had tried to claim her moments ago trying to claw its way back up to the forefront of her brain. She shoved it roughly back and took a deep breath.

Plenty of time for that later tonight when she was curled up on her couch instead of sleeping.

She pulled the keys out of the ignition and threw open her door again and had that wonderfully awkward moment of trying to open her umbrella while still seated in a compact car without getting tangled or wet. It barely worked for her.

She stumbled a bit as the heel of her shoe got caught on an indented bit of concrete but she managed to stay upright. She slammed the door in frustration not bothering to lock it. She had finally had it with the piece of junk and if someone managed to get it to work long enough to steal it then maybe they deserved it. If not, then she'd take it into Sean's garage again after work.

_'Or maybe,'_ she thought quietly to herself, _'it's time for me to get a new car.'_

But as quickly as the thought came she shook it away. She couldn't afford a new car anymore than she could afford a nicer apartment. All of her money went to her clothes. Yes, it might sound stupid to some, but it was the price of her status at the company and she had to live up to the cost. Even if doing so meant she had to take the bus to work. Cabs were just too expensive and the subway was nowhere near where she lived.

_Forty Minutes Later_

She stumbled into work, her hair still dry; her clothing immaculate. Her mind, however, was still preoccupied with what had just happened a little bit ago.

_She stood patiently at the bus stop, the wind had picked up and she was struggling to keep her umbrella upright. Just as a strong gust of wind succeeded in yanking it almost completely from her hands, another hand reached out and grabbed it holding it steady for her._

_She turned and found herself face to face with Jay Hogart as he held aloft another umbrella to keep his wife from getting soaked._

"_Hey Paige." Manny greeted pleasantly as she put her hand over her rather pregnant stomach._

"_Hi Manny. What are you two doing out this way?" She'd asked, coughing as she was unused to using her voice so early in the morning._

"_Oh, I had a doctor's appointment today. Junior here is kicking like crazy and I've had some pretty bad morning sickness lately and Jay was worried so he made me come in."_

_She regarded the man she used to loathe back in her Degrassi days. He was still sporting the same black clothes and backwards cap but gone was the lascivious smirk and lazy air about him. There was still something dangerous that lay beneath his calmer exterior, but his relationship with Manny had calmed him down quite a bit._

"_So Paige, what are you doing here? Where's your car?" Jay asked still holding tightly to the umbrellas._

"_Car? What car? Oh, you mean the dead walrus on wheels? Yeah it beached itself permanently in the parking lot of my apartment so now I have to take the bus."_

_Manny and Jay exchanged a look before flanking her on either side._

"_Well now we're here and we're taking you to work." Manny stated as she grasped the blonde's wrist carefully._

_She could feel Manny's thumb sliding over the bones of her wrist and she reddened when she saw the anxious look that appeared on the brunette's face. Worried brown eyes looked over at her, but they must have seen something in the other woman's ice blue orbs because for once Manny kept her thoughts to herself. Instead she laced her fingers with the blonde's and gave her hand a reassuring squeeze._

"_I'll stop by your complex later Paige and pick up your car if you want." Jay offered as they reached the spot where Jay had parked._

"_Oh, Jay don't worry about it. I doubt there's anything you or Sean can do for it."_

"_Can't hurt to try." He said as he opened the back door to the blue van he had traded his old car for._

_She chuckled as she got in, picturing a child safety seat in the back and Jay at the wheel playing chauffeur._

"_I'm having a baby shower next Saturday Paige. I'd love it if you came." Manny said as she pulled herself into the front seat of the vehicle. "Everyone's going to be there."_

"_I don't know Manny. I'll try to stop by, but there's a huge benefit runway show the week after next and I'm sure I'll be working like crazy to get everything ready. If I can't make it, I'll send something by though ok?"_

"_Sure Paige." The blonde sighed inwardly as she heard the disappointment evident in the other woman's voice._

"_You really should come Paige. Even Alex is coming over from Ajax and she was telling me how she never gets to see you." Jay threw casually over his shoulder._

_Again, she sighed inwardly as she thought about Alex. They had reconnected a year after they separated, and had called and emailed almost daily, but the demands of her work kept her from keeping the promises made to spend time together. Even though Ajax was only a little over a half an hour away, somehow she never found time to make the trip. Hell, she couldn't find the time to spend dinner with her own family here in town._

"_I __**will **__try though Jay. Thanks."_

_He nodded and as he fell silent Manny was quick to take up the conversation. She asked about her job and her life._

"_Are you still dating that guy...what's his name? Nick?" She asked inquisitively._

"_Neil. And yes, I am still seeing him, but I wouldn't call it dating. It's not serious."_

"_Oh."_

_Nothing else was said as they pulled up in front of Étonnant._

"_Thanks you guys. I really appreciate this." She said opening the door and getting out._

_She was about to close the door when Jay called to her._

"_Paige wait. Why don't I lend you one of the garage cars while we work on yours? It beats taking the bus."_

_She was going to refuse, but she saw his sincerity and she knew that part of his offer was for his wife and part of it due to their mutual connection to Alex. She acquiesced with a smile and another short thank you and closed the door. She turned without a backwards glance, knowing already she would never make it to the baby shower._

A shrill voice shook her from her reverie.

"Where are the invoices for the delivery I told you to get me?" Andrea asked stalking up and placing a manicured hand delicately on her hip.

She noticed the taller woman eying her new suit. She knew Andrea could tell it was yet another size down and that it irked her.

"They're on your desk where I put them last night." She answered rather churlishly not in the mood for an Andrea tirade.

"Fine. Stella told me to tell you to call Hilda Radnoff and confirm her arrival next Tuesday. The woman is notorious for making appointments and never keeping them. Then she wants you to the caterers for the runway show for the Baker Foundation Fundraiser." The woman paused for a breath before continuing "And then really, you should touch up that makeup, you look like a corpse."

With that parting shot she stalked off and left her standing in the foyer. She rolled her eyes heavenward and was startled by a voice behind her.

"Well, I'd like her to shut up. She sounds like a bitch."

She chuckled as she turned and saw the only person she could stomach here. At 5'9" with auburn hair and sapphire eyes, Erika "Rikki" Mirza was stunning. And she knew it too.

"Hi Rikki." She said as she began walking towards her office.

She had expected to find her friend following her with a new diatribe, or at least a variation on the old one of how much she loathed Andrea and the rest of her ilk, but she found the other woman standing there looking at her concernedly.

A quick glance around at the people in the foyer and Rikki walked closer grabbing her elbow when she caught up.

"Have you lost weight again?" The red head asked quietly.

"I guess." Was the short reply.

She didn't want to talk about it again. She and Rikki had this conversation/argument at least once a month. Walking with purpose she headed down the hall where her office was located. It was small, but surprisingly private and she often spent nights here doing extra paperwork in the after hours quiet. As she approached her desk she heard Rikki close the door behind them.

"I'm worried about you."

"You're always worried about me." She said shuffling through a stack of memos on various functions until she found the information for the caterer.

"That's because you always give me something to worry about." A soft sigh came from behind and she could picture Rikki running her hand through her luxurious hair. "Did you throw up again?"

"Is it morning?" She threw back acidly irritated with where she knew this conversation was going.

"Paige, you need to cut back on some of your responsibilities. Or at least go to a doctor and get checked out."

"I don't have time Rikki. There's too much to do."

"There's always too much to do." The other woman growled, frustrated by her stubbornness. "Look, I can talk to my mother - "

"I don't need any favoritism Rikki. If word got around that I was letting you give me special treatment, people would - "

"People would what Paige? Think we're the lovers we once were?" Rikki spit out.

"That was awhile ago and I didn't know you were Stella's daughter." This was not what she needed right now.

"I told you a long time ago I made the mistake of getting a lover promoted when they weren't qualified and I would never again make the mistake of mixing the two deliberately. And I never did with you. But we both know us ending had nothing to do with me being Stella Mirza's child." She heard her approach and was spun around by a firm, but gentle hand on her arm. "Your problem is you can't be with someone you can't hide from. That's why you're with Neil."

A knock on her door cut off her reply and Rikki let go of her to see who it was.

"Oh, Colleen, thanks. I appreciate it." Rikki said to the woman outside as she took a paper cup from her hands.

Waiting for the other woman to leave Rikki stood a moment before closing the door. Turning around Rikki saw the blonde had retreated behind her desk and was trying to bury herself in work. She walked over and placed the cup in front of her. Questioning eyes met hers.

"Banana smoothie. You need something in your system and there's milk and no acid in there. It should help settle your stomach."

Rikki turned to leave but she stopped her with a word.

"Rikki."

The plaintiveness of her name as it passed those lips was not something Rikki could just ignore. Spinning on her heel she strode over behind the desk and grabbed the blonde's hands pulling her up and into a tight embrace.

"We're friends before anything Paige. You know that." She whispered and smiled when she felt the smaller woman hug her back and sink briefly into her support.

Leaning back the red head lifted her hand and placed a lock of hair behind the other woman's ear. They held gazes for a moment and a flicker of consent was all Rikki needed to lean in and brush a swift kiss across trembling lips. A slightly longer one was placed next to a pale eyebrow and without a word she ended the embrace and then was gone.

She sat at her desk and dwelt in the darkness of her misery. As she sat there she could see her vision beginning to blur at the edges and she leaned back in her chair breathing in as calmly as she could. Opening her eyes experimentally she found her eyesight had returned to normal. Sighing with mild relief she turned back to the carter's information and picked up the phone to make the call.

TBC...


End file.
